have you ever ...

felt like you were stuck in a rut ?!

i feeel like im stuck. what do you do

if all your life you wanted someone to

call yu js to say hi, calls you beautiful,

smiles at the thought of your name, when he's

with his boys he points to you & says

"yeah thas her.", wants nothing more

than to show you the world and everything

it has to offer, likes you for you, & most

importantly js wants to make you happy.

i've always wanted a guy like that, someone

js like that. js freaking like that. js like it.

and not that i have it, it seems like i dont

even want it. in this case i think that its

really bittersweet. & i want him but then

again i dont. i need him but i dont. idk.

its something i've wanted for oh so long,

but now that i actually have it it seems

like hes js not my style. im used to thugs

i guess yu can say. ha. & now that i have

someone who is always nice to me. idk its

js wierd.

im afraid to let go of my past. im afraid to

open up cause i dont want to be judged

for my story. im most afraid to make him

my everything, cause when he's gone i'll

have absolutely NOTHING.

that scares me the most to be completely

honest. mel says to give him a chance because

it could do me some good, and i'll realize

that i deserve this good treatment. but its

easier said then done. i do know that i

need to stop making up excuses & js come

face to face with this.

this must have been what he was talking about

on sunday when he said for god to help me

make the right decision. well its right that i do

need gods help to make this decision. i js hope

that i can make a good decision & fast. its

my confusion ; what i want, what i need, and

what i misss. i dont know honestly.

this is so bittersweet, its gonna be the death of me. . .