have you ever ...

felt like you were stuck in a rut ?!

i feeel like im stuck. what do you do

if all your life you wanted someone to

call yu js to say hi, calls you beautiful,

smiles at the thought of your name, when he's

with his boys he points to you & says

"yeah thas her.", wants nothing more

than to show you the world and everything

it has to offer, likes you for you, & most

importantly js wants to make you happy.

i've always wanted a guy like that, someone

js like that. js freaking like that. js like it.

and not that i have it, it seems like i dont

even want it. in this case i think that its

really bittersweet. & i want him but then

again i dont. i need him but i dont. idk.

its something i've wanted for oh so long,

but now that i actually have it it seems

like hes js not my style. im used to thugs

i guess yu can say. ha. & now that i have

someone who is always nice to me. idk its

js wierd.

im afraid to let go of my past. im afraid to

open up cause i dont want to be judged

for my story. im most afraid to make him

my everything, cause when he's gone i'll

have absolutely NOTHING.

that scares me the most to be completely

honest. mel says to give him a chance because

it could do me some good, and i'll realize

that i deserve this good treatment. but its

easier said then done. i do know that i

need to stop making up excuses & js come

face to face with this.

this must have been what he was talking about

on sunday when he said for god to help me

make the right decision. well its right that i do

need gods help to make this decision. i js hope

that i can make a good decision & fast. its

my confusion ; what i want, what i need, and

what i misss. i dont know honestly.

this is so bittersweet, its gonna be the death of me. . .

vacation . . .

so i came back from salt water canoeing
on the coast of maine. ahah what a blast.
deadass! like it was wack during some parts,
but the canoeing & just chilllin having some
quality time with the guys was the bomb.

im not gonna go into detail about what
exactly happened every single day i was
gone cause that would take to long. lol but
stilll, i had mad fun. i only got like 4 or 5
mosquito bites! ahaha i was mad shocked.

i came home, and i kinda wish i could go back.
maybe not back there, but somewhere out
of here. i still dont wanna be back home. :/

g h O s t . . .

salt water canoeing on the east coast of maine. . .

idiot. . .

so i just had a talk with my mother.
about her "boyfraaan" it was str8.
accept the fact that she thought it
was a bit of a joke, & she denied
everything just like i thought she
would. but idk whatever, i just
know that im not having this fight
with her anymore. & that im just
gonna let her do her thing, and make
her own decisions.


then her "boyfraaan" comes along, and
wants to talk to me. but he doesnt know
what the fuck he wants to say. which is
more than clear to me that he has HORRIBLE
communication skills. anywaysss, alll
homeboy could say was "i know you
dont like me." like okay let me freaking
explain to you why you annoy me.
then he starts laughing & is calling me
prettty, trying to make me laugh. im
like wth. STOP TAKING ME FOR
A DAMN JOKE WHEN IM TRYING
TO BE ohSO SERIOUSSS!


whatever that conversation was jst
p o i n t L e s S * im done.

a wise man once said . . .

"First they laugh at you, then they ignore you, then they fight you. Then you win."- Ghandi

"You worry about yours, let them worry about theirs, cause I got mine." - LilWayne

it makes me laugh how i was just talking

yesterday about how people judge me for

everything that i do. good or bad. but it

feeels like this is an on going argument.

im a monster. no one can control me

anymore. i dont care what you think

about the way i dresss. and i

really really really dont care what you

think about the pictures i take!

its MY camera. MINE FOR A REASON.

to take pictures I want to take. its

MINE remember that. & i can put

MY pictures wherever i want to.

WHEREVER I WANT TO CAUSE

ITS MY CAMERA, WITH MY PICTURES!

you have to just get over it, & nothing you

say willl make me change my mind! -___-

jugdement . . .

i never get a break do i?!

you read my shit, tell me you

like it, & then you do just what

i asked people not to do. you

come &

JUDGE ME.

didnt i just ask you not to judge me.

wtf seriously. you dont realize that

you just pissed me offff. its not even

cooool. you shouldnt faaacking judge

people, because they could be the

most amazing people you ever

come in contact with.

i never judged you for your story, and

it saddens me to know that you just

judged me for mine. the thing is that

your supposed to be my boy. & you

didnt even apologize you just quick

to blame me. well you know what

guessss that worlddd ! ;

I'LL BE THE REASON FOR EVERYONE'S

PAIN, AND YOU CAN All JUST BLAME ME!

im sick of thiiis shiiiit. that just

showed me how waack you are.

you said ;

"thats not how i view you."

stop judging me & let me do me.

im giving you one chance to

apologize for your misjudgements

of me. that ReallyReallyReally hurt.

i hope yur happy. smelllllll. -____-

honestly . . .

people are so very judgemental.

its sickening. seriously, who in the

world are you to judge me for my

story and what i do. yessss i do

understand that everyone is

gonna talk shit about you and

what you do whether you're

doing the right thing or the

wrong thing but still.

adultsss. seriously, your an

adult. grow up! if you dont

like the way i dress, if you

dont like my attitude, if you

think im a bad influence.

OH FREAKING WELLL. -__-

i dress cute, not skanky. thankyou.

i dont have an attitude, i just dont

care about anything you have to say.

im not a bad influence, im just open

with the things i do. trust me your

kids do the things i do too. & i can

almost gaurantee you that they do

it more than i do.

just be cause i won $1,000 doesnt

mean anything. seriously. money

cant make you who you are. you cant

expect me to act a certain way because

i won some money. the money had nothing

to do with my behavior at alll. mmkay?!

i am who i am. im not changing for anyone.

i know that your adults, & i'm a teenager.

i understand that we will never ever be on

the same level, but still. for you people

to judge me before you even know me

is horrrible, and no one should be treated

that way. dont ever look down on me, its

just not right. you really need to take a good

look at yourself before you try to come

at me. say what you want about me,

i cant stop you anyways.

just remember that you have absolutely

no idea what its like to be me. how you

treat people, will affect them for the

rest of thier lives.

talk about me as much as you want to.

and say whatever you wanna say its

pointless to tell you to stop anyway.

if you think that i dont care about anything?

your wrong.

if you think that i'll never find someone

who will treat me right?

your wrong.

if you think that my attitude is the

reason that im unhappy?

your wrong.

if you think that i'll never be happy?

your wrong.

but if you think im going no where in

life, guess what?!

DAMN, YOUR WRONG AGAIN.

im your average teenage girl. doing what

we do. yeah i do things that im not proud

of, but oh well. its life, & you only live once.

im living the life of every teenage girl, &

im being judged for everything that i do

whether its good or bad. i dont understand

why you people dont tell me about the

gifts god has given me, and encourage me

to open them up. you might think im

not going anywhere in life, but iam

determined to prove you wrong.

mark my words, im gonna be somebody

someday. wait&see. you just wait&see.

sometimes . . .

when you think that everything

is starting to fall back in to place,

and things are going to be better

this time, and when things start

to go back to the way that they

used to be, and its going bad

again, you cant help but feel

like an idiot because you

thought that things would

be different this time.

*' sometimes things dont

always go how you thought

that they would. but you

have to just keep your head

up and keep on keepin on.

reality. . .

tears dont help anything,
so its time to stop crying. . .

i realized. . .

i have a serious problem with
someone. someone very important.
so important that this problem is
honestly overtaking my life. this
problem needs to be solved. asap.
i have a problem with someone
that matters most to me. & her
name is shimona. yeah i have a
problem with myself. : i need to
deal with this, before it overtakes me.
-----------------------------------
i talked to raquel today. i was telling
her what was bugging me, and she
helpedd me. ahah as stupid as it
sounds she helped me. & got me
to thinking that shes right. im having
a problem with myself & before i can
get better, i have to solve my own
problem. but yeah, its all about the
situation with my mother.
-----------------------------------
im so used to being in control & now
that im not anymore i dont know
how to deal with it. and i have
one of twooo options. :
-- keep being mad at her, & have this
same fight with her every single time.
-- find out what im actually mad about,
and talk to her about it.
-----------------------------------
im going with option 2. but im just
trying to figure out how im gonna
approach her with it, while being
thoughtful. . . . . . . hmmmm. this is
good for me. ha.


someone open my eyes a little wider, so i can see the light. ha.

and ..

she lays on her bed
with tears running down
her face, wondering what
the hell happened to her life.

cunt.

okay sooo im super fucking pissed.
like seriously, i fucking hate everyone.
seriously. my mother is such an idiot.
seriously. -_____- im sick of stupid
shit, and i need to faaacking escape.

im sick of this bitch, and her bum asss
boyfraaand. like wtf the man is married.
LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE.!#$%^&*

sooo this is what happened. . . . . .
i was at church& angelica called me
& was like "oh yur mom said shes ready."
so i went down & my mother was like "go
back upstairs im waiting for albert,
so you can stay with jenn & noelani."
& i was like "aiight yur dumb."

she callls me like an hour later & is like
"come on yur leaving. i go down & shes like
yur uncle is gonna take yu cause im
going to mc donalds with albert to help
him fill out some papers."

so then i started spaaziiin. & i was like
"you fuckin blow everything outta
proportion, and yu always pull this
stupid shit, wtf im not goiin!" and i
went back upstairs. so then she just
left me stranded. like are yu fucking
deadasss?! fuck you then. seriously.

the thing that makes me so mad is
that she picked her bum asss fucking
"boyfraaan" over her fucking kid.
seriously. she ignored my brother
tooo. like fuck this seriiously.
ugh whateverrrr. SMELLLL. -____-

today

i went to jermaine & jamals house.
they had a birthday cookout. (:
its was mad niceee. lol i had fun.

it was me, chris, angelica, miles,
chris H, tynisha, daniesha, thalia,
angelito, essence, alexi, some kid
nick, DeShawn, morgan, & sonny.
we just chillled, ate, and chillled
some more. ahaha. it was cutee.

so yeah it was fun. we also did
play vollleyball for a little. lol
but i suckkk. so idk but the
boys played basketballl, so i
went to go play "defense." ;]
my boyfraaaand was gasssed.
lOl but he couldnt handle ittt.

but im outskiiiiii. im outt smelllll.

washington...

i jst got back from washington dc.
it was the shit. actually im lying
it was wack but i went with my
loves, so we made it the shit. lOl

we went to some conferenceee &
i learned mad new stufff, it was
goood. but the best part is that
i reallly liked being on vacation,
because i liked being away from
everyone, & stressful shit. like idk,
it was odeeee fun. i went with mad
peoplee ; chrisss♥ angelica,
miles, jamal, thalia, DeShawn, tynisha,
and chris hunter. we had bad times
obviously, but we made the best out
of it, and had mad fun.

the best part was the hotelll. lmao
i felt like i was the shit. me, angelica,
tynisha, and thalia had a rooom to
ourselvess. lmao four 16 year oldsss?
yuu know that we had paaaahty every
nightttt! lmfao. that took my mind offf
mad other stufff. ahah which was good.

i met mad new people from all over the
us. & in threee days i bagged 6 numbers.
lmfao. 3 from tennesse, 2 from wisconsiin,
and 1 from mississippi. (: one of them is
super inLike with me. lmao he stays texting
me. ahah hess inLike odeeee. !@#$%^&*(

but yeah it feeels good to be back home,
i hated living out of a suitcase deadasss.!
ahaha im defff going back next year. ;]

sorry

soooo hmmm what can i blog about!

i feeel like i havent blogged in forever,

that i forgot how to do it. but ima try. (:

----------------------------------------

so yeaaaah last sunday me & the dollS

had a paaaaahty. tNani comes texting

me talking about : " come to my houseee

we haaaaviin paaaaarhtyyyyy. " i just died

laughin lmao. & so me, isadora, & mel

went. it was funn we went swimmin

& had a photo opt. ;] we went to the fire

workss, and had even more fun. until

dudes almost got hit in the face. lmao -_-

but its whateverrr. i saw people i havent

seen in mad long. que sad. :/

-----------------------------------------

my birthday was last friday, july 3rd.

it was waaack, but i really did have a good

day, cause i was with genuine people that

i love with allll my heart. even though i

didnt do any crazy shit, and i thought

that it was wack, now that i look back on

it i really think i did have a good day.

i got my permit finallly! the picture

on it is ugly. ahah oh welll but the test

is so overratted. its the easiest test i've

ever taken in my life. :D i painted the

babys room tooo. its mad cute, & shes

stilll so smalll. she's gaining weight tho.

8 pounds now & shes 2 months! this is great.

--------------------------------------------

hiiiiiiiiii im sorrrry !
my computer finally works again.
i'll be writing like i used to. lol